i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
When did we convert life to cartoon?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
