Soap is not a condiment
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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