How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize