i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
