And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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