My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
