my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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