you told grandpa to call you daddy
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
