Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
its not stalking. its research.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize