i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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