My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
In America we eat man semen.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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