Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
