Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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