no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize