Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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