o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I am spending my child support on dildos
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
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