You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize