she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
