Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
