Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize