I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
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