Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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