I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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