oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize