im six kinds of drunk right now
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
