Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
