____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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