I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize
