you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
