I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
