did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
