Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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