dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
