yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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