I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
