Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
