I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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