Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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