I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
