her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
