Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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