After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
