i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
