just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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