yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
