Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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