So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
