last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize