Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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