i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
