I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize