I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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