So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
