no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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