I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
