Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
