I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just cropdusted the office
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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