Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
