are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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