I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
