Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
